


I can't do this on my own

by orphan_account



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Chaptered, Character Death, Depressed Stiles, Drug Addiction, M/M, Therapist Derek, just mentioned though, mentioned paige/derek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:10:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The darkness was slowly becoming too much. Stiles could feel it seeping into his bones and poising his mind. He had lost his motivations weeks ago, he had stopped living. One day he was fine, the next day his life had gone downhill. He had stopped questioning why after a while.</p><p>"I'm Derek, your therapist, here to help you cope with your drug addiction."</p><p>Addiction. Addiction? Stiles had never thought about it that way. Was he really addicted? Did he sunk that deep? So deep that his own dad couldn't help him anymore? But hadn't he lost everything? Hadn't he tried to flee into drugs to forget everything? To make it a bit less painful to breath?<br/>Yes, it seemed so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's so easy to come back into you

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea while watching Batman begins and I think I will turn this into a chaptered fic.
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> **!Warnings: Depression, drug addiction, mention of character death, nightmares, self harm (more may be added to this)!**  
> 

The darkness was slowly becoming too much. Stiles could feel it seeping into his bones and poising his mind. He had lost his motivations weeks ago, he had stopped living. One day he was fine, the next day his life had gone downhill. He had stopped questioning why after a while. He didn't remember when he had shown up at the doorsteps the first time, but he was welcomed and uttered inside. The next thing he knew was that he woke up on the floor feeling like shit. But it was worth it. He would accept the headache and the guilt anytime when it meant that he could have that careless moments full off bliss back. Some money and a 'please' and he was lying stoned as fuck in a corner.  
Sometimes it would get hard to find the money he needed, Stiles had lost his dignity months ago.  
Right now he was sitting on a couch, getting higher than the Empire State Building. Some other druggie, whose name he had forgotten, was sitting next to hime babbling about some movie he had always watched with his Mom. Stiles pitied him, the kid was thrown out of his home when his parents found out he was gay. He had choosen to move out himself, he couldn't stand the looks his dad was throwing his way, couldn't stand the shame, the guilt, the pain. Oh, the pain was so bittersweet. Sometimes Stiles couldn't help but love the pain when he was laying awake at 3am and the memories were flooding his mind, because pain meant that he was at least feeling something. Most of his days were blurry these days, he was walking like a zombie through the streets. Other days he would be so self-aware that he instantly needed a fix to forget, to forgive. The nights were the worst. He couldn't stand the screaming, the nightmares. He rather woke up in some dirty corner than be sober during some nights.  
He had lost touch with his dad and his old friends. They tried to catch up with him and called him almost daily, but Stiles just couldn't speak to them, he couldn't hear the worry in their voices, so after a while he stopped calling back, he stopped talking, he stopped trying. But he never stopped missing them though.  
He quit studying for university as soon as he was living on his own, he simply didn't care about his future anymore. His saved money was spend pretty quickly. Stiles knew that he couldn't just continue how he was living. He'd be thrown out of his apartment pretty soon, if he didn't die on an overdose. But the boy would welcome that. He had thought about ending it all way too often, but he always ended up being too weak to actually pull the trigger.  
That very day should change his life though. It was yet to be decided if for better or worse. The boy next to him was still going on about the movie when the door bursted open and suddenly police officers were standing in the room Stiles was in. It was going too quick for him to realise and too run and then there was his dad looking at him with tears in his eyes, whispering:"How have you come to this". He was hugged, that much he could remember. And he was sitting in a police car little time after.

When he woke up he was in a white room. "The fuck...", he muttered, then the doors were opening. The sheriff stepped through them and closed them behind him. He looked so tired that Stiles instantly felt guilty. "Oh son, I should have never let you out of sight. I should have kept an eye on you after y'know." Tears were welling up in Stiles' eyes. His dad's face reminded him too much of the time after the accident, it hurt too much. "I love you, but I can't help you with that. Not in the way you need it, so I decided to get some help. It's only for your best, Stiles."  
"Where am I?" The boy hated the way his voice was waving, but he couldn't help it. "I've brought you into a rehab clinic. It's the best I could do." Stiles nodded dumbly and then his father clapped him on the back, hugged him tightly and left.  
And Stiles was alone. Again. He couldn't erase the way his father's face was burned into his memory, the guilt was eating him alive.

He didn't know how long he was alone with his thoughts until the door opened again. He didn't even know wether it was day or night. He woke (he couldn't remember falling asleep) when some firm hand started shaking his shoulder. "Stiles, wake up." He slowly opened his aching eyes and blinked at the handsome stranger in front of him. "Am I dead?", he asked and sleepily rubbed his eyes. "No, why do you think so?" The stranger seemed irritated. Stiles shrugged. "Looks like I'm in heaven and you're an angel, here to welcome me." The boy sat up on his bed and faced his visitor. The man had dark hair and stubble on his chin and his pale eyes were glancing directly into Stiles'.  
"You're still in the rehab clinic, because of your drug abbuse. I'm Derek, your therapist, here to help you cope with your drug addiction."  
Addiction. Addiction? Stiles had never thought about it that way. Was he really addicted? Did he sunk that deep? So deep that his own dad couldn't help him anymore? But hadn't he lost everything? Hadn't he tried to flee into drugs to forget everything? To make it a bit less painful to breath?  
Yes, it seemed so.  
He had fucked up this time, hadn't he? Stiles didn't even know if he should hope that Derek would fix him. He kinda hoped he would break him, just so he could stop pretending to live, to exist and fade into the shadows that were waiting for him.  
But shouldn't he try to give Derek a chance to fix him? For his dad? For his friends? For everyone that he lost?  
Wasn't it time to start breathing again? Without all the guilt pressing him down and choking him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Marianas Trench for the chapter title.  
> This was kinda short, cause I wanted to line the story out first (and it's like 5am now)  
> Thanks to Bring Me The Horizon (amazing band, check them out) for inspiring me during writing and for the story title.  
> Writing this was pretty hard, so feel free to tell me if somethings off.  
> Kudos and comments are welcome as always :)


	2. Hospital for souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're gonna fix you, you'll see."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have no idea where this story is going, but I hope I won't make it too confusing or unrealistic.

"Stiles, are you still with me?" A worried voice interrupted his thoughts. "Yes, I just zooned out a bit", the boy responded quietly. The older man -his therapist, Stiles reminded himself- nodded. "The first night will probably be the worst and hardest, but you have to get the drugs out if your system. Your body will response to it, that can include headaches, feeling sick and dizzy or even throwing up. You will spend the rest of your day and the night alone. Tomorrow you can spend time in the community room with the others, but we have strict rules. No relationships with other patiens. You will have to wheigh every now and then to make sure that you eat enough." Did Stiles loose wheight? He remembered some days when he just wouldn't be able to keep food in or he wasn't even hungry. There were some days when his fridge was so empty and his wallet too, that he just couldn't eat, he had no food.  
"Stiles? Do you zoom out often?", Derek asked and Stiles looked up at him. "Sometimes I loose track of my thoughts." Again the man nodded. "You will have therapy lessons everyday, starting tomorrow and I will check on you tonight again. Do you need or want anything? We have learned that if we give the patiens some of their favourite things; like books or guitars or pictures of their family members that they will recover sooner. And of course friends and family can visit you, but not in the first week."  
The boy thought about it for a while. Did he want anything? "Do you have comics? Like Wolverine? I started reading them when I was younger, but I couldn't afford them anymore when-" Stiles looked hopefully up at his therapist and Derek smiled. "Ah, a Marvel fan. I have them at home, I will bring them to you tonight." Derek liked Marvel? "Do you want to eat anything? You're not allowed to eat something big, but you can eat things like chocolat or something."  
"No, thank you, I'm not hungry." Derek stood up and smiled. "We're gonna fix you, you'll see." Then he left the room and Stiles was alone again.  
His head was clearer now, he wasn't stoned anymore. The white walls blinded his eyes and he wondered if he could ask Derek to have them covered in posters. Or was that too much to ask for? He was just another druggie after all. A grey door leaded to another room and Stiles guessed that was the bathroom, but he didn't have the motivation to stand up. He layed back on his bed -with white sheets- and thought about everything that Derek had said. The night would be hell, that much was sure. Without drugs his nightmares would return and if he really was addicted -Stiles cringed. When had he sunken that low?- his body would demand the drugs. He wouldn't make a pretty picture.  
Therapy? His father had send him to therapy lessons after the accident, but that didn't help him and after a while he had given up. The sheriff tried to convince him to take more lessons, but Stiles had this feeling that his therapist just didn't understand. He had felt so alone, knowing that nobody really got it, got him. He just hoped Derek would be different, but he wasn't really sure wether he wanted therapy at all.  
The next thing on his mind were his friends and family. Visitors? Did he want to see them? Did he want them to see him like this? Wouldn't it be better for them if he didn't bother them? Weren't they happier without him? They had moved on without him after all. They had moved on, but Stiles wasn't able to.  
Did he need anything else? Did he want something? Something to pass the time faster? To get his mind on different things? To help him cope? Shortly after the accident Stiles started writing poetry. It had helped him, though he still didn't know why. Maybe he should ask Derek for a piece of paper and a pen?  
What happened to his things at his apartment? What is with new clothes? He won't be forced to run around in an clinic uniform, will he? He decided to ask Derek when he was back. Right now he was still wearing his dirty clothes, even his shoes, but he didn't have the motivation to move. His head had started hurting again, he had thought enough about all the things bothering him today, so he closed his eyes and slipped back into sleep.  
The next time he woke up it was cause by the pain he was feeling. His headache had intensified and he felt sick. Stiles groaned and rolled over. His stomach was chlenching and he could feel tears standing in his eyes. This felt familiar, the headache, the not-sleeping, the sickness. It felt so familiar that his breathing got shallow and he tried to swallow his emotions. This felt like the time right after the accident. He needed air, he needed space. Were the walls closing in? Was the room spinning?  
"Breath, Stiles, breath."  
When did he close his eyes? Stiles slowly opened them and looked right into pale green-ish eyes. "Do you have panic attacks often?", Derek asked worried and moved away a bit. "No, the last one was months ago. I thought it had stopped", Stiles muttered. "The drugs must have clouded your mind. Did you use to have nightmares too?" The boy nodded. "Exspect them to come back." Stiles whimpered. This night would be fun.  
"I brought you some stuff. First of all, this are clothes your dad left here for you. And here I have your comic books", Derek lifted a bag onto the bed. "Have you though about anything you might need?"  
For a moment Stiles hesitated, before he said:"Maybe pen and paper?" The therapist smiled at him. "Sure. Okay, take a shower and change into your pj's and I will wake you up tomorrow morning. If something's wrong, scream. The doors will be locked, so you can't try to get out of here and get high, but there are always guards. If you don't have any questions left, I will leave you now. There's a clock in the bag too. Breakfast is at 9am, I will wake you at 8." Derek went to leave, but before he reached the door Stiles called out. "Good night." The therapist turned around and smiled warmly at Stiles.  
"Good night, Stiles." And then he was out the door.  
The drug addict went to take a shower -the bathroom was well prepared with towels and shampoos and stuff he might need and the shower was pretty nice too- and he changed into his pyjama pants. He didn't bother to put his clothes into the small wardrobe that was standing next to his bed, he just threw everything dirty on the floor and let the rest be.  
He put the comic books on the night stand and flipped the lights out. His headache had faded a bit and after speaking to Derek he actually felt a lot better and it was nice to feel really clean for the first time in weeks. His mind was still a little bit numb, but Stiles hoped that came from the drugs and not his depression.  
But the night was yet to be survived and that wouldn't be easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks to BMTH for the chapter title.  
> Thanks to Marianas Trench for giving me some sort of emotianl preparation to write this. (Inspired by the songs "Lover Dearest" and "Push".)  
> I apologize if I don't treat the drug addiction accurate, but I don't really know what it's like, I've only read about it.  
> This was short, I'm sorry, but -yay- 2 chapters in two days. That's something.
> 
> (Please note that Stiles and Derek will interact, but not in a romantic way for at least 3 more chapters -probably)
> 
> Kudos and comments are welcome as always :)


	3. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make it stop, make it stop!" Stiles was bawling. He was hunched together, holding on tightly on anything, everything he could reach. His eyes were floating with tears and he couldn't see a thing. He lost track of time of how long it took him until he passed out on the cold bathroom floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I was busy with school and got distracted, because Teen Wolf is back!

He wasn't really sleeping, he couldn't. It was like his body was asleep, but his mind still hadn't got the message. The depression and nightmares weren't back yet, but Stiles felt trapped in his body. It was just a matter of time until his mind would go wander to places too dark. Right now the boy was just thinking about everything that happened that day, well as far as he could remember. The last time he had glanced at the clock it had been 11pm. He was starting to feel dizzy again and now he was really glad that he hadn't eaten. He wasn't hungry anyway. his stomach had gotten used to the empty feeling and it was a permanent reminder that it was his fault after all.  
Oh, the dark thoughts were coming, Stiles could feel them, like little demons crawling at the edges of his mind. "Your fault", they were whispering. "All your fault."  
"It should have been you." "You should have died." "Your fault."  
The sick feeling got stronger and Stiles was flying out of bed and kneeling in front of the toilet in no time. There was nothing in his stomach that he could throw up, which he was oddly thankful for. But the boy was sobbing now and his muscles were chlenching painfully. Not this again, no, no, no. He needed the drugs, he needed something to make his mind fuzzy, to make him forget. Her scream was hunting him, shaking his body and mind up. Glass shattering, a splash, her scream. Over and over again, repeating.  
"Make it stop, make it stop!" Stiles was bawling. He was hunched together, holding on tightly on anything, everything he could reach. His eyes were floating with tears and he couldn't see a thing. He lost track of time of how long it took him until he passed out on the cold bathroom floor.

_He was younger. And he was in love, oh so in love. She was beautiful and so smart. She was sarcastic. They were such a perfect couple, like in one of those cheesy romance movies. They had been friends since they were in kindergarten, had gone through good and bad and through even worse. She never left his side, not even when his mother died and he didn't say a word for weeks. Not even, when he got so angry, that he wrecked his whole room. She had held him when he broke down crying. It took them a long time to figure out what everyone else knew from the beginning. They were perfect for each other_  
 _The first kiss was kind of awkward. Stiles was rambling and rambling, trying his best to ask her out without making a fool of himself. (He failed.) She had kissed him, just like that. That was the moment he knew that he was damned, he couldn't imagine a time without her in his life, it was impossible for him. They would have good days and bad days, but there was nothing they couldn't work through._  
 _It really was like they were meant for each other, taken from a book or a movie._  
 _Of course it wouldn't stay like that, no, life wasn' that nice. Stiles still remembered the whole day in detail. It was a nice Saturday, the sun was shining warmly and the birds were shirping happily. They had spend the whole day just watching movies and cuddling when she had to go home. Of course Stiles would drive her home, it was a ritual, a routine. The sun was slowly setting, painting the landscape orange and red._  
 _It was too fast, he had no chance to react. No chance at all. It just took a second, a flash of an eye. The deer ran on the street and Stiles somehow lost control of his jeep._  
 _He remembered the bridge very clearly. The bridge, the water._  
 _Drowning, his biggest fear._  
 _He remembered holding her hand, telling her that he would get her out and she was just looking at him, telling him that it was OKAY, but it wasn't. Because it was his fault that she was trapped with him, the water floading in while the jeep was sinking and he just wanted to protect her, but he couldn't. He had to get her out, but he couldn't!_ _He remembered the moment somebody was on his window side. Stiles had pointed at her, screaming with the air left in his lungs and the car to get HER out first._  
 _He had passed out. Somebody had saved him and he was rushed to the hospital._  
 _The boy still knows how his father's face had looked like when he had told him that she didn't make it. That the love of his life, his everything didn't make it. They had got him out first. HE was the reason she didn't get enough air._  
 _But the worst is, right before he passed out she screamed. "I love you!"_  
 _And he never got the chance to say it back._

"LYDIA!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just kinda wanted to put some part of the backstory in. This was pretty short, I'm sorry.  
> And it's pretty blurred, but I hope not too much.  
> Kudos and comments are welcome.


	4. A chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't update, but exam weeks are over now and I have a little bit more time.

The rest of the night was a mix between dreams and waking up screaming. Whenever he closed his eyes his mind was flooded with painfully beautiful memories and the sound of her screaming. When he was awake his head was spinning and he was feeling sick. Stiles didn't move, whimpering and yelling he laid there until a buzzing sound made its way to his ears and a low voice called his name. His mind was still not picking up on what was happening, but he landed on his bed somehow and then he was drinking and swallowing some pills. Or was it just one?  
His thoughts cleared out a bit and he was looking in Derek's face. "How was your first night?", the man asked and looked right into Stiles' eyes. "Horrible", the boy muttered and looked away. "Do you still wanna do this? We can't force you. If you wanna walk out of here now, we will let you. But just think about it, you already made it through one night and some of the drugs are now out of your system."  
The night had been awful, horrible and the reason why Stiles always ran back to the drugs. The headache he could manage, the sickness wasn't the problem. Even his body demanding the drugs was not the worst, no, it were the constant nightmares making his nights hell and his body tired and lifeless, that made him run back everytime he tried to quit.  
But...  
This was a chance, maybe the last he would get. A chance his dad presented him and Stiles didn't want to let him down. Not again. But it would be hell, that much was sure. "The nightmares...."  
"We will work on it", Derek promised and Stiles nodded.  
His last chance.

"Okay? But I wanna be honest with you. The headache and the sickness will probably get worse over the day, but we're gonna give you pills to keep it leveled. We will look after your water consum and make sure you stay hydrated. You will get the chance to meet the others after our first therapy session. I have got you something for breakfast. I thought that you going to the dining room after such a night might be a bad idea. Are you hungry now?"  
The boy nodded again and Derek took the plate laying on his nightstand. "Hmm, bacon." 

The food was good, but Stiles didn't eat very much, he felt pretty full after only a few bites. "I have the paper and pen you asked for", Derek said and laid them on the nightstand. "You can go and get dressed now and I will come back for your therapy lesson in half an hour, okay?"  
"Okay."

Stiles took his time to get dressed and ready and cleaned his room up a bit. He put his clean clothes in the wradrobe and threw the dirty colthes on a pile in the corner of his room. He would have to ask Derek about a washroom.

Derek was back 30 minutes later, just as he said. He found Stiles reading one of the comics, laying on his bed, looking like teenager. He had stuck his tongue out and his legs were tangled. He looked so painfully innocent, Derek hated this part of his job. "Stiles?" The boy turned around and smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. That eyes, that reminded the therapist so much of...  
He shook his head.  
"C'mon, we're gonna talk in my office", he said and turned around.  
Who ever said that the one who was fixing people didn't need to be fixed himself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was pretty short, I'm sorry. :/  
> Kudos and comments are welcome.  
> (I have two one-shots planned too, I'm gonna start writing them now.)


	5. I regretted it. I regret a lot of things.

"Can you still remember the first time you did drugs?" Stiles was sitting in a big, comfy chair in Derek's office, Derek opposite of him. "No." Derek wrote something into his notebook. "Okay. Do you still remember why you did it?" Stiles looked down at his hands. "Have you ever been so sad for a really long time that you'd do anything to feel happiness, even if it's just for a few minutes? Have you ever been blaming yourself so much, that you need to forget about it to breath?"  
"Yes."  
"Have you ever lost someone that the pain was almost unbearable?"  
"Yes." The honesty in Derek's voice made the boy look up. The therapist was looking over Stiles' shoulder, watching the door. "I'm sorry." The silence stretched. "Does the pain ever go away?" Sharp eyes focused on him again, blinking slowly. "You learn to live with it. It's always there, but you need to focus on the here and now. Try to think about the good memories and draw happiness from them." Derek blinked again and his face closed off. In less than a second he turned professional again.  
"You said that you felt guilty about something and that's part of the reason why you first started using drugs. We're gonna work on that. If you can forgive yourself, you will find it easier to cope with your addiction. Is the urge worse in the night?"  
"Yes." The boy thought about it for a minute before he asked:"Who did you lose?" The pain flickered over Derek's face again, before it was gone. "My first love." Stiles gulped. "The love of your life?" For a second he thought that his therapist wasn't going to answer him, but then Derek took a deep breath. "She could have been. We didn't have enough time." For the first time since the accident Stiles felt like maybe somebody did understand him and what he was going through, but he didn't expect the older man to open up so willingly. Maybe he needed to talk too?  
"She was my first love, too. The love of my life. People always told us how perfect we were for each other. I loved her so much, it hurt. It still hurts, 'cause I still love her." Derek wrote something down again. "What was her name?"  
"Lydia." Stiles said that name like it was the most precious thing in the whole world. And to him, it was.  
"Why do you think it was your fault that she died?" Stiles shook his head, the memories of his nightmare too fresh in his mind, the thought to recall that night too painful. "If you don't wanna talk about that yet it's okay. But am I right, when I say that you would never have started using drugs, if she wouldn't have died?" The boy nodded. "Do you wanna talk about her? Not about the accident, but about the time before all that happened." Stiles shook his head.  
"Okay. We will work on that." But Stiles didn't wanna work on that. "Just talk to me, Stiles. Can you do that?" "About what? It's been a long time since I had a real conversation with anyone." He hadn't intended to sound so bitter.  
"How do you like the comics? Have you started reading?", Derek asked and leaned a little bit over his desk.  
For the next 30 minutes the men discussed the tragic character that is Wolverine. It felt nice to have a casual conversation. It was one of those conversations he always had with Scott.  
 _ **Scott.**_ But that was another issue, not meant for this time.  
"Our time is over. Is there anything left you want to say?", Derek asked and stood up to bring Stiles to the "living room", as promised.  
"I regretted it. I regret a lot of things, but doing drugs the most. It destroyed my life." The therapist put a firm hand on Stiles' shoulder.  
"We're gonna fix it." If only Stiles could believe him.

The room was really nice, actually. Not what Stiles expected. A large book shelf reached from one end of the wall to another and the boy looked at it with aw. Maybe he could take some books with im for the night? Couches were placed in the room, some people were reading, others were watching the TV on the opposite wall. A few were just staring out of the big windows. Two guitars and a piano were sitting in a corner, but nobody was playing. "I'm gonna leave you here. You can just introduce yourself and talk to them, or watch TV, read a book, just do whatever you want. You'll be told when lunch starts. Don't by shy", Derek smiled and squeezed Stiles' shoulder one last time, before he turned around.

"Hey! New guy!" A brown-haired girl came rushing towards him. "Hi?" Stiles frowned. "I'm Caitlin." The girl sounded way too cheery for being in a rehab center. "Stiles." She laughed, it sounded cute.   
"What's that? A real name?" The boy found himself smiling back. "It's a nickname."  
"Okay, Stiles. Why are you in here?" Wow, that was straight forward. "Drug abbuse. You?"   
"Oh, I'm sorry", she said leant up and kissed his cheek. Straight forward and touchy, okay then. "I'm in here because I didn't take my girlfriend's death too well." That hit close to home. "I'm sorry." Caitlin smiled, but she seemed more sincere and sad now. They both just stared at each other, not knowing what to say. "So... you like girls?"  
"Absolutely? Do you?"  
Stiles smiled sadly. "Absolutely."  
"But you also like boys?"  
Caitlin grinned with a playful glint in her eyes. "Absolutely. Do you?"  
Taken aback Stiles blinked. Did he? Caitlin watched on as Stiles thought about it. He shouldn't even have to think about it. He liked girls. A lot. Hell, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with one. But he always admired hot guys.  
"Well, do you? It's no shame to be bisexual", the girl said and nodded encouragingly. Pictures of pale green-, blue-ish eyes flashed through his mind. Dark messy hair, stubble, cute little bunny teeths.  
"I don't know." What the hell was happening?  
"Maybe you just have to try it, when this is over." Stiles nodded. Maybe... "But what if the guy I wanna try it with is in here?" Oh shit, he cursed himself. He shouldn't have said that. Caitlin looked at him with a puzzled look on her face. "It is not allowed to date somebody that's here for the rehab, y'know. I though this was your first day? You haven't really met any other patients, have you?" "No, not really."  
"Oh my god!", the girl exclaimed. "It's Hale!"  
"What?", Stiles asked confused. "Hale, Derek Hale. Your therapist!"  
"Maybe."  
Maybe it was Derek. But maybe his mind was just lonely. Maybe it was just because Derek was the first to really talk to him. Maybe it didn't mean anything that he thought about that stupid, attractive face. He was still in love with Lydia. Maybe it was just because Derek somehow understands him.  
But maybe he was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thanks for Marianas Trench for the title.  
> This will not be a Stiles/Caitlin relationship based fic, don't worry. (But I think she's pretty cool, so....) It's all about Sterek, but I think it will be very slow built, with their backgrounds and all, please be patient with me. But this was kinda longer. So yay for that :)  
> Kudo and comments are welcome as always  
> Tell me what you think


	6. "We're all pretty fucked up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating, I really wanted to write, but I had trouble concentrating and a few personal problems.

"Caitlin! Who is this cutie?", a blonde girl asked and ran towards the two. "Stiles, Erica. Erica, this is Stiles." The girl smiled brightly. "Hi."  
"Hi."  
A loud bell rang and Stiles couldn't help but flinch. "Lunch break! Come on", Erica said and pulled him with her, Caitlin trailed behind. They went down the white floors, going left and right, following the others.  
"Boyd!", Erica shouted as soon as they entered the room and waved at a boy, who was sitting at an empty table. The dining room reminded Stiles of his high school cafeteria. He sat down on one of the tables placed inside the room, so that he was sitting next to Caitlin and opposite of that Boyd-guy Erica was currently clinging to. He seemed sad and closed off, but not unfriendly.  
"So, Stiles. how was your first day here?", Erica asked and leant a bit closer. Stiles shrugged uncomfortable. "I can't really remember much of my arrival. But the night was hell." All three stared at him pitiful and he flinched again. Stiles hated it when people did that. It made him feel weak. "But you chose to stay, so you surely have a reason to try", Caitlin said. "What are you recovering rom?", Erica asked.  
"Drug addiction." Another round of pitiful looks followed and Stiles hung his head. "My dad brought me here and this is my last chance, I guess, so..."  
" I understand. My mom sent me here after I broke down due to my insomia and eating disorders after my girlfriend's death", Caitlin said.  
"Panic attacks and social anxiety, but I'm all cheery thanks to my meds", Erica confessed. "But does the medicine really help in the long run?", Stiles asked. Erica smiled sadly:"I'm working with my therapist on that. She said that I may not need it anymore in a few months." "Depression and hearing my dead sister's voice", Boyd mumbled and Erica squeezed his hand. They went silence for a moment.  
"We're all pretty fucked up, aren't we?", Stiles sighed. "I guess everyone is a little bit twisted", Boyd said.

Caitlin nudged Stiles with her shoulder and he looked up. Derek was standing at the table. He had a tabled in his hands. "Your father told us your favourite food, so I got you some chicken wings. Did your headache get worse?" Amazed Stiles stared at the plate. "It's been years since I had chicken nuggets." he shook his head a bit. "But now that you're mentioning it, my head aches a bit", Stiles admits. Derek nodded and out the tabled down. "Just take these pills with some water. Boyd, Erica, your therapists told me that you can get whatever you want today. Oh and you've got a group session today. Stiles, when you're finished you can return to your room or the living room, group sessions start in a week for you, for now you only got me." Erica and Boyd nodded and got up to get their food. "I'll let you eat now", Derek said and flashed a gorgeous smile at Stiles, before he turned around and walked away.  
"You really shouldn't stare at his ass", Caitlin said and chuckled. "I'm not staring!", Stiles almost shouted. "Calm down, I was just kidding. I'm gonna grab some food, too." She stood up and went to the line Erica and Boyd were currently standing in. Stiles grumbled and took his pills. He was on edge, the urge had become stronger again. 

He was chewing on a chicken nugget (the best thing he tasted since- he didn't even remember) by the time Erica and Boyd came back. "Why did I get my favourite food all day and you just get whatever they're having on the menu?", he asked curiously. "They want to make you feel as comfortable as possible during your first days here", Erica said and started eating her salad.  
They ate mostly in silence, Caitlin had returned not much after Erica and Boyd, muttered a "sorry" and Stiles had nodded at her. But after a little while Stiles felt full and the sickness returned. It had been a long time since he had so much food sitting in front of him.

After lunch was over he went back to the living room alone, the other three trailed off to group session. Stiles was all alone, everyone else was gone and he sat down in one of the armchairs and grabbed the first book that looked appealing to him. Time passed quickly when he was reading, the urge was pushed back into the darkest corners of his mind. When everyone else came back from their therapies Stiles had finished the first book and was currently reading the sequel. He took the sequel and the sequel to the sequel with him and went back to his room to read on his own. 

"Stiles? You okay? You weren't at dinner", Derek's worried voice brought Stiles back to reality. "I'm fine, I was just... reading." He glanced at the clock, it was already 8pm. "Books are great distractions", Derek said and glanced at the one in Stiles' hands. "If you don't need anything else I'll see you tomorrow morning. If anything's wrong, I've got floor watch today, so I'll be right outside your door."  
"I'm fine."  
Derek smiled. "Okay, sleep tight, Stiles."  
"Good night, Derek."  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a lot more Sterek in the next chapter (Spoiler: nightmares and hugs, maybe even cuddles if it seems matching)  
> Tell me what you think? (I added Erica and Boyd, because I really miss them)  
> Hope you liked it


	7. But this demons won't leave me alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _That strawberry-blond girl, he had so terribly been in love with, was sitting next to him, a worried expression on her face. "Baby? I am right here. I am not leaving?" She shifted a bit closer, the bed sheet ruffled beneath her. "Okay?", she asked and started rubbing small circles across Stiles' back._  
>  Derek looked so sincere, so understanding...  
> "Stay the night?", he asked before he could think better of it.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on my mobile whenever I had some time, so please excuse if it's not as good as you deserve it. :/

Stiles changed into a pair of sweatpants and went to bed. His headache had gotten worse again, but the sickness went down a bit. He even felt slightly hungry.  
The room was silent and Stiles rolled onto his side, facing away from the door.  
Hoping the demons would stay away, he closed his eyes.

_He woke up with a shout._ _That strawberry-blond girl, he had so terribly been in love with, was sitting next to him, a worried expression on her face. "Baby? I am right here. I am not leaving." She shifted a bit closer, the bed sheet ruffled beneath her. "Okay?", she asked and started rubbing small circles across Stiles' back._  
 _"You died. I drove you home and you died. I-, you-",the boy stammered._  
 _"I'm right here."_

_Suddenly the scenery changed and Stiles was standing on the bridge. He spinned around, searching for his love, afraid that he had lost her. Again. "Lydia!", he screamed. The jeep was in the water, waves crashing over it. Stiles' mind went blank. "LYDIA!" He hoped that she was okay, needed her to be okay. "LYDIA!"_  
 _The girl appeared next to him again, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly. "I never left. It was always you." She took a step back. "You left." Another step back. "You left me. In the cold water. Drowning." She was slowly slipping through Stiles' fingers, he could feel it. "Alone!"_  
 _"No! Lydia, please!" The girl's face turned paler and Stiles' couldn't help, but compare her with a ... sponge. She looked so lifeless now, so dead._  
 _"Please! Lydia!", Stiles screamed and ran towards her, but she had already reached the edge of the bridge. "Don't", the boy whispered in horror, as he watched on._  
 _The world fell silent for a moment, before she stepped over and just jumped off the bridge. "I love you!" But the water had swallowed her again._  


"Stiles?" The boy pressed his eyes shut.  
"Don't"  
"Stiles? Look at me." The voice was too deep to be female.  
"Stiles, could you just talk to me for a moment?" Somebody gently shook his shoulder and Stiles opened his eyes. Bright blue-greenish eyes were looking right into his, Derek's tanned face was inches away from him.  
"Der-", Stiles crooked sleepily. "Hey, you were screaming, Stiles. I mean usually we don't come into your room at night, but Erica thought you were being murdered. How are you feeling?", Derek asked and carefully kneed down on the side of Stiles' bed.  
"Tired."  
Derek smiled knowingly. "Do you want to talk about your dream?" Stiles shook his head. He didn't want to ever think about it, but the memory was burnt into his mind. Derek looked so sincere, so understanding...  
"Stay the night?", he asked before he could think better of it.  
The therapist was silent for a moment. "Stiles... I, we..." Derek frowned.  
"I mean, if you don't want to, you don't have to. It's fine, really. That probably was a stupid idea. I guess I was just scared, but nevermind. you should go back to watch... or something."  
At a loss for words Derek looked at Stiles, debating with himself, if he really could...  
"It is not stupid. I'll grab the extra blanket and sleep on the floor, if you're really that scared. I'm pretty sure Isaac will take over my watch." The older man got up. "I really shouldn't do this", he muttered and sighed. He was supposed to be proffessional.  
"Never get too close to a patient", they said. "Don't let them get under your skin."  
He spread the blanket on the floor and wondered why Stiles gets to him more than he should, more than he would ever admit.  
Derek stepped outside.  
"Isaac?" A blond, curly-haired guy stepped out of the shadows. "Hey, Derek. Is you patient allright?"  
"Yeah, but I'm gonna stay with him. Could you please take over my watch, too?", the dark-haired man asked and Isaac nodded.  
"Thank you." Derek turned around. "Derek? Be carful." He smiles reassuringly over his shoulder and entered Stiles' room again.  
But he better should be careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The march holds a lot more exams for me, so I may won't update as regularly as I want to.  
> But I hope you still enjoy reading this story.  
> Feedback and advice is always welcome.  
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> (I promise there'll be cuddles in the next chapter)


	8. Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The therapist knew full well how dangerous laying in on of his patient's bed was and he knew that he should push that boy of him, but Stiles looked like he really needed the sleep and he couldn't bring himself to disturb him. The bed was pretty small anyway, so after a little while Derek finally fell asleep too.

"Where have you been?", the boy asked sleepily. "I asked somebody to take over my watch." Stiles hummed. "Come here. You shouldn't stay on the floor." The therapist hesitated. "Or is that too much to ask for? Am I overstepping boundaries?", Stiles asked in a small voice. "It's fine."  
Stiles held the blanket up and shifted back a bit. Derek sighed and went to lay down beside Stiles, but the boy stopped him. "No shoes in my bed!"  
"As long as you don't make me undress any further", Derek muttered and climbed into bed- without his shoes.  
He was careful not to touch the boy, but after finally getting comfortable and dozing off Stiles snuggled into his side and whispered something in his sleep.  
The therapist knew full well how dangerous laying in on of his patient's bed was and he knew that he should push that boy of him, but Stiles looked like he really needed the sleep and he couldn't bring himself to disturb him. The bed was pretty small anyway, so after a little while Derek finally fell asleep too.  


He woke up, because the other side of the bed was empty. A gut-wrenching noise came out of the bathroom and he jumped up.  
"Stiles?"  
"Don't come in!"  
Derek frowned. "Stiles? Are you okay?", he asked, his voice dripping with concern.  
Another noise followed and Derek swallowed. "Just gimme a moment", Stiles pleaded weakly. Derek shock his head at the stubborness of that kid and knocked on the bathroom door. "Just a sec-" The therapist opened the door and rushed to the kneeling boy. "I said don't-", Stiles mumbled and threw up again, while Derek rubbed small circles on his back. The gesture reminded the boy of Lydia and he whimpered. "It's okay, Stiles. That's why I'm here, right? To help you through it." "Right", Stiles answered and Derek flushed the toilet. "Just get ready and I'll wait for you in bed, okay?" Stiles nodded and got to his feet. That sentence sounded way too tempting... "Thank you." "You're welcome." 

Stiles rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth, but the sick feeling stayed. _Disgusting. ___

When he entered his bedroom again his heart skipped severaly beats. Derek was wrapped up in the blanket, his eyes closed and his breathing even. He looked peaceful and happy and suprisingly young.  
Stiles banned those thoughts from his mind and climbed in next to the therapist.

The bed was so small, that Stiles just ignored the nagging thoughts and cuddled into Derek's chest.  
"What are you doing?", the therapist mumbled sleepily and Stiles just wrapped and arm around him. "Bed's small, need'o cuddle."  
Derek didn't fight it, just held the boy close.  
It was his job to take care of him, right?

The next time he woke up Stiles was whimpering next to him (on top of him). The patient was sprawled all over his chest, holding onto him tightly. "Lydia" Lydia!", he cried out and Derek sighed. He had fought nightmares, too, after... The therapist shock his head and tightened his hold on Stiles. "Shhh, you're okay. You're not alone", he whispered. "Don't leave." Derek knew the boy wasn't talking to him, but he still leant towards him. "I won't. I promise." Stiles relaxed a bit, even though he kept talking softly in his sleep and Derek drifted off again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing with writers is that we are insecure as hell, so please tell me if you dislike anything or want me to focus on something different/ change something. Idk  
> Talk to me? I haven't heard from you since chapter 5.  
> (Wow, I sound desperate, nevermind. Just tell me if you want something different.)  
> I love every single one of you.  
> Thank you for reading.  
> (Oh and also; English is not my first language, so if I'm making any grammar or spelling mistakes feel free to tell me.)  
> And sorry for changing the perspective that often.


	9. Lies

"Derek? Derek, come on! You have to get up!", Stiles whispered and shook him awake. "What?", Derek croaked. "Isaac just came in. Your watch is over. You have to get up before you get in trouble! It's already 8.15." The therapist groaned.  
"Derek!"  
"Alright, I'm leaving." He got up and out of bed. Tying his shoe laces and yawing, he asked:"Did you sleep better this time?"  
"Yeah, I did."  
Derek smiled and stood up. He was halfway through the door whan Stiles called. "Thank you."  
"You're welcome. Go and get yourself ready, breakfast's in 40."

The bell rang just as Stiles stepped out of his room.  
"Stiles!"  
"Good morning, Caitlin", the boy smiled.  
"Morning."  
Together they made their way towards the dining room.

"Hey, Boyd, Erica", Stiles greeted the couple, that was already sitting at a table.  
"Morning", Boyd said and Erica just shifted closer to him as he wrapped an arm around her.  
"What's wrong?"  
"She didn't get her medicine, yet", Caitlin mumbled.  
"Is it really that bad?"  
"Yes", Boyd confirmed. Erica hadn't looked up once since Stiles and Caitlin had arrived.  
"I'm gonna grab some food. Come on, Stiles." Caitlin basically dragged him away.  
"Is she always like that?", the boy asked, worry lacing his words.  
"It gets better when everyone is eating. Boyd will bring her something to eat and her pills and she will relax."  
The two of them were standing in the line, waiting for the people in front of them to move.  
"But I though relationships between patients are frowned upon?", Stiles asked and watched Boyd holding Erica protectively.  
"It's different with these two."

Erica returned to her cheery self after she took her pills, the two girl were constantly chatting, while Boyd and Stiles ate mostly in silence. Stiles left the table pretty soon after, he hadn't really eaten much of his cereal, but nobody commented on it.  
The boy returned to his room, but he couldn't quite settle into the right mood to read. He sat down on his bed and grabbed the pen and paper Derek left for him. Poetry always had a way of calming his nerves, so he started writing.

_They said that it would get easier,_  
 _but never told me how._  
 _They said that I would get better,_  
 _but never told me when._  
 _They said that I would get over this,_  
 _but they lied._  


Tears were spilling onto the paper by the time he was finished and with a quiet sob he set the pen down.  
"You will love again."  
"It gets easier."

But they lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's pretty short, but I promise you I will update a second time in the next two weeks, cause I#m on spring break.  
> Thank you for reading :)  
> That poem is mine, so please be respectful.


	10. Deal?

There was a knock on the door and Stiles wiped at his eyes, trying to hide that he had been crying.  
"Come in."  
Derek opened the door. "Therapy in 30 minutes, if that's okay?", he asked.  
"Stiles nodded and sniffed quietly.  
"Hey, what's wrong?" The therapist walked over to Stiles and kneeled down beside him.  
"I'm fine."  
"No, you're not. So what is it?" He gently put a hand on Stiles' chin and forced the boy to look into his eyes. "What's wrong?"  
Stiles shook his head. "It's nothing."  
"People don't cry over nothing."  
The patient huffed. "But I'm not crying."  
Derek sighed. "Not anymore."  
Stiles looked down at his hands, the poem was laying next to him, inches away.  
"See you in a few, Derek."  
The therapist nodded. "I'll be in my office", he said and got up. "I'm here to help you, Stiles. That's all."  
"I know."  
Derek sighed and left the room with the feeling of having failed. 

"Take a seat", Derek said and Stiles sat down in the chair opposite of his. "Do you wanna talk about anything? Maybe share something?", the therapist asked, but Stiles only shook his head.  
"If I'm not mistaken, the reason why you started using drugs was your depression because of your girlfriend's death?" The boy nodded and studied his feet with a tense expression on his face.  
"Maybe you could tell me about her?", Derek suggested.  
"What about you?", Stiles changed the subject.  
"What about me?"  
"You said you lost someone, too?" Stiles looked up just in time to see pain flicker across his face.  
"Let's make a deal. I tell you about her, when you tell me about Lydia."  
Stiles frowned, thinking about it. "Okay. What was her name?"  
Derek smiled sadly. "Paige."  
"How did you meet?"  
Derek shook his head. "If I answer all your questions, you have to answer mine later."  
"Fine." Somehow Stiles really wanted to know this.  
"We went to the same school. Beacon Hills High."  
"Oh, I went to BHHS, too", Stiles said suprised. "Anyway, what's your story. Love at first sight?"  
Derek's laugh was rough, he almost barked it out. "No, she hated me, thought I was an arrogant prick. And she was right."  
"What changed?"  
Derek sighed and looked away, lost in his own thoughts. "Honestly? I don't know. We were teenagers." He blinked and his eyes' returned their focus on Stiles. "But enough about me. Its my turn now."  
"Fire away."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I had to rewatch 3x08 first, for references.  
> And I kinda have writer's block for this story, so please forgive me.  
> Thanks for reading :)


	11. Answers

Stiles was suprised how closed off Derek was, but it was a nice reminder. They were therapist and patient, not friends.  
"How did you meet?"  
"We were childhood friends."  
"So your friendship turned into romance?"  
"Yes."  
Derek nodded and wrote something into his notebook.  
When Stiles had said "fire away", he headn't expected Derek to literally shoot him questions every second.  
"When did you loose her?"  
Stiles blinked and gaped a bit. That was ... not what he expected.  
"Four months ago."  
"How often did you visit her grave?" The patient swallowed. "Why is that important?", he asked weakly.  
"Please, just answer the question."  
"I, I... I was at her grave just once, okay?", Stiles muttered and bowed his head, not daring to look up, too afraid what he might see.  
"Stiles, why are you so ashamed of that?", Derek questioned softly.  
"Everyone expected me to go and visit her, but I just couldn't, not after her funeral. It was horrible, all those people, who didn't know her, didn't like her, were suddenly telling everyone how beautiful she was, how tragic her loss is.  
But she was not just beautiful! She was brilliant, sarcastic, loving, brave, she was so strong.  
And her loss wasn't beautifully tragic, not Rome and Juliette-drama. Her death was cruel! And it was my fault!"  
All the anger Stiles had felt just seconds ago vanished and left nothing but self-hatred and pain.  
"Why would you think that?"  
The boy looked into pale, honest eyes and the thruth spilled from his lips before he could stop:"I was supposed to drive her home safely. I was supposed to protect her not matter what, but I failed."  
Derek shook his head. "I'm sure you didn't fail, Stiles."  
"Well, if I had protected her, we wouldn't sit here right now!", Stiles yelled and ruffled a hand through his hair.  
"Stiles, there are things you can't stop from happening. How did the car crash happen?", Derek asked gently.  
"A deer ran onto the street and I lost the control over my jeep. We went over the bridge and she drowned."  
"And you were saved. But think about it, Stiles. There is nothing that you could have changed. Nothing. You couldn't stop the deer from running onto the street, you couldn't stop the water from pouring in."  
"But they shouldn't have saved me! I told them to get her out first! They always save the woman first, why not this time, why didn't they-" Stiles' voice broke and he coughed to cover up his sobs.  
"Stiles", Derek called out and offered him some tissues.  
"Maybe she told them to get you out first? Don't you think that she wanted you to survive, to live?", Derek asked and smiled sadly at Stiles. "But you are not living, Stiles."  
"I don't want to live without her..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long, writing this story is kinda hard for me.  
> Anyway, thanks for sticking with my writing :)


	12. Alive but not living

"Don't say that, Stiles."  
"But it's the truth!", Stiles cried out.  
"Stiles, look at me. Every life is worth living. There are still so many things you haven't seen and people you haven't met. And you will learn to love again.", Derek said gently.  
"But it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes it feels like there is a hole in my chest. But at least I feel something when it hurts. The numbness is so much worse."  
"It gets better." Stiles huffed. "Did you fall in love again?", he asked.  
Derek nodded and his eyes lost their focus for a moment.  
"And?"  
"And it was just as wonderful and painful as the first time."  
"Isn't that all that love is? Pain?", Stiles muttered and shook his head. "I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to forget her", he confessed.  
"You won't forget her. She will stay in your memory, never growing old and never changing." Derek looked older as he said that, Stiles thought. Older, tired and endlessly sad. "Love is pain and misery and loss. But it is also friendship and trust. It is the strongest emotion humans are capable of. And it would be a shame if you missed out on it."  
Stiles opened his mouth like he wanted to say something and closed it again, frowing.  
"I always thought hate was the strongest emotion", he mumbled and crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing the floor.  
A small and gentle smile was playing around Derek's lips as he said:"Without love there would be no hate. There's no hate like the hate of a heartbroken lover." Derek sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "There will always be disappointments and hurt, but that's life. And living means taking risks, being vulnerable and giving yourself away. Because a life without risks is just staying. And staying alive is not living."  
"But...", Stiles started, before he interrupted himself. "I'm not sure if I wanna live." He looked down at his hands.  
Derek sighed and hesitated a second, before he answered. "You owe yourself a try. You promised your dad that you would give it a try."  
The boy thought about it for a second. "How?", he asked then and Derek could see the desperation in his eyes. He really wanted to belive that there was a way out.  
"At first we're gonna work on the guilt thing. You fled into drugs rather than dealing with your problems." Stiles flinched, but didn't say anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, I totally forgot to update and got distracted by Supernatural and the holidays.  
> Thanks to Giving Yourself Away by Artist vs Poet  
> Thanks for sticking with the story :)


	13. Guilty

"You have to learn to deal with your feelings instead of oppressing them. You have to learn to let down your walls. And most importantly you have to let go of all that guilt before it consumes you. We will start slowly though. Was there anything you could have done to save her?", Derek asked, gently as ever, but Stiles knew that this was a test.

"I shoud have watched out better. Or reacted faster. I could have prevented the crash", Stiles answered, failing the test.

The therapist shook his head slowly. "Stiles, I'm sure you reacted as fast as you could. And you told me yourself that the deer came ou of nowhere. You couldn't have prevented the crash."

"You don't know that. But even if I couldn't have prevented the crash I should have gotten her out. There was enough time and air for one to survive and I screamed for them to get her out, but they-" Stiles swallowed around the lump in his throat. They hadn't listened to him. They saved him and left her to drown.

"They idn't listen to you. They decided to get you ou. You didn't do anything, Stiles. You begged them to get her out, but they didn't. It is not your fault. It is not." Derek reached out placed a hand over Stiles'. "Repeat it. It's not your fault."

The boy rolled his eyes. How was this gonna help him? "It was not my fault", he mumbled.

Derek smiled sadly. "More convicing, Stiles. It was not your fault. It wasn't. C'mon." He nodded encourangily, when Stiles hesitated.

"It wasn't my fault", Stiles huffed.

"Good", Derek praised, his smile becoming more sinsere. Stiles avoided his eyes quickly. "Again."

Stiles shook his head. "This is stupid. Don't you have a better strategy?" He cossed his arms over his chest and slumbed back against is chair.

Derek's face closed off within seconds, making it easier for Stiles to focus. "This is the strategy I would like to work with. It has helped a lot of patients before you." His voice was stil calm and collected, but the warmth was gone.

"So I'm just gonna repeat 'It wasn't my fault' until I'm magically recovered?" He knew that he was getting mean, but Siles couldn't quite stop himself. All that anger that had build up inside of him was now urging to be let out.

"You're angry. I understand that, but-"

"Oh, do you?", Stiles snarled. "You have no idea how I feel. How useless and guilty I felt, how angry I was. You have no idea what is going on in my head."

"Then show me."

Stiles felt like all the air was knocked out off his lungs and his anger vanished. It wasnt Derek he had been angry at anyway. He weakly shrugged and slumbed lifelessy into his chair. Being angry and hurt all the time was exhausting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took me so long. I focused on so many other fics that I almost forgot bout this one. But now I'm back to updating iit and I hope that is won't slip my mind again.  
> But thank you for staying with this story.
> 
> [ You can find me on Tumblr and vote on which update you want next on my blog ](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/)   
> 

**Author's Note:**

> [ You can find me on Tumblr :) ](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/)   
> 


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